What Will You Do During the Zombie Apocalypse?

04/19/2011 at 4:49 pm (Zombie Tuesday) (, , , , , , , , )

Continuing on with Zombie Tuesday, I’m going to move on to the line of thought that started it.  A lot of times when I need something to pass the time, I think about what I would do during the zombie apocalypse.  Hasn’t everyone done that at some point?

Anyway, my point is, I think I’ve solidified my plans if the zombie apocalypse starts while I’m at work.

The office I work in isn’t particularly large, and it is on the second floor with two exits.  The back exit I’m not too worried about since it is a typical wood door that leads down to a fenced in yard.  In that yard there’s an overgrown tree, and on the other side of the fence another two story building.

The front door is another problematic story all together, because it is made of glass.  Luckily, the stairs leading up to it are narrow, so I’m hoping that they will slow down the zombie hordes enough that I can put my plan into action.

Step 1: Fortify the front entrance

As I mentioned earlier, the front door is a bit problematic.  So I was thinking, the very first thing I’d do is probably push the couch we have sitting in the waiting area, outside onto the stairs.  That way the zombies would have to climb over it to get to the door.  Next I’d flip over the desk next to the door so it’s blocking as much of the glass door as possible.  And then I’d wheel over the copy/fax/scanner machine we have to hold the desk in place (the wheels on the bottom of the machine can be locked so it’s really hard to move).

Hopefully that will buy me (and anyone else trapped in the office with me) time to follow through with the rest of my plan.

Step 2: Prepare the Emergency Exit

This step is pretty easy, since we have a little skylight thing in our kitchenette that leads to the roof.  I would prefer, when the time came, to exit out back into the little fenced in courtyard, but preparing for the worst case scenario where the zombies are swarming back in the courtyard, and they’re about to get in through the front, I would want to set up a ladder going up to the skylight, and open it so it’s an easy exit.  Lucky for us, we have a ladder at my work in the little utilities closet for roof maintenance.

If I did end up having to go to the roof, I’d have to improvise since I’ve never been up there before.

Step 3: Arm myself

The quick and easy way to arm myself would be to grab a golf-club from the little tic-tac-toe putt-putt set we have, but I’ve always fancied myself as more of a blade girl.  And since we have a nice Exacto paper cutting board, I think I’d take that apart and use the blade on it as a machete.

Step 4: Preparation for the long haul

So I’m somewhat armed and secure now, but for all that I think that the office I work in is the most defensible place I can easily get to (being a large assassin firm, and all that), it’s not a permanent solution.  There will be the issue of food, plus, because of my sunny location, the ground does this really terrifying thing where it violently shakes from time to time.  Add that to the fact that there are fires as often as there’s rain, and I’m thinking I might need to move up north a state.  But that’s a plan to describe at a later date.

So what are your plans for the zombie apocalypse?

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Zombie Tuesdays

04/12/2011 at 4:27 pm (Writing, Zombie Tuesday) (, , , , , , , , , , )

So I have decided to start doing something slightly new with my blog.  I was thinking about how I can only talk about so many different writing subjects per a week, and how it might be nice to spice things up a bit with some zombies.

 

The funny thing is, I don’t really read much or watch much with zombies, and I’ve only ever written one short story for Halloween that had any of the undead in it.  But whenever I can’t sleep at night, or need something to occupy my thoughts during a long workday, I think about what I would do in certain worst-case scenarios, and I can’t think of anything that’s worse than the zombie apocalypse.

 

Anyways, to start off this zombie Tuesday, I thought I’d share what I wrote for my Self Review at the end of last year.  Unfortunately, my boss made me redo it, but here is my original self-review:

Kati, Administrative Zombie Slayer

Self-Review

 

Throughout this last year the zombie infestation has gotten more than a little out of control, and whereas it’s my job to deal with the undead pests as Administrative Zombie Slayer, I find that the alarm system that was set up is more distracting than helpful, and the shotgun pellets are starting to get expensive.

 

We have tried the freezing method, but then the sales team complains: “Oh, I can’t work under these conditions,” or “It’s so cold, I can’t feel my limbs,” so we are forced to turn on the heat again, and the zombies thaw and start to try and chew on anything with flowing blood, which does include the sales force.

 

I therefore recommend stronger firepower, and maybe booby-trapping the perimeters of our office.  Sure the explosions might be louder than the alarms were, and sure there might be some property damage, but hey, at least then we’ll be able to reduce the zombie infestation while we try to sell mats over here.

 

In between my efforts of battling the undead, I do enter in all the orders, answer all the questions about tracking, payments, and medical research on zombie infested bites, and I feel I perform these tasks rather admirably considering the circumstances.

 

I do feel it was a large drawback when we had to let the cyborg go do to an infected bite, but alas, I agree that having a zombie cyborg running about the office is quite terrifying.  That was a huge dampener on moral, and the troll that was hired in the cyborg’s place just isn’t doing it justice.  But hey, you work with what you’ve got.  And the troll doesn’t complain too much about the zombies’ goo when it comes to the messier aspects of the job.

 

Things that I feel I could improve upon for this coming year are, I think I would be able to get more filing done if I had stronger firepower along with the booby-traps that will hopefully be set by then.  And I’m not talking about little stuff, but rather flamethrowers, and maybe a mini-uzi or two.  That way I spend less time reloading the shotgun, and more time firing, therefore giving me more time to enter in orders and do some serious filing.

 

If the sales representatives complain about the noises of battle, I suggest we replace them with some of the zombies that have finally been tamed and trained to do a little bit of phone conversation.  Sure, we won’t be able to allow customers into the office anymore, since there’s the risk of those zombies going berserk and trying to eat them, but in the end, I think it will improve morale and general productivity.

 

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